Rodney Dangerfield's ism's

These lines are "classic". Yellow best

 

We miss  Rodney Dangerfield because he  said:

 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.   Last night she used me to time an  egg.

 

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my  glass!

 

Last  night my wife met me at the front door.. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's  nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

 

A  hooker once told me she had a  headache.

 

I went to a massage parlor. It was  self-service.

 

If  it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life  at all.

 

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in  the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

 

I knew a girl so ugly...They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

 

My  wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss  in the kitchen the roaches hang  themselves.

 

I'm  so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got  arrested for mooning.

 

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging,  naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you  came home early.'

 

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs  for Alka-Seltzer.

 

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys  giggling.

 

My  wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray   after the meal.

 

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last  night.

 

AND, ONE LAST ONE:

 

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a  boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play  with.